A boost of self-esteem

I often have this looming and dooming sensation that I'm always doing the wrong thing.

I was taught how to write a cover letter, but they still feel wrong and impersonal.

My resume was revised at least 33 times, but I still feel like it's wrong.

No matter how many times I look over the pages for the Provoc, I know that I'll pick up the paper on Wednesday and find at least three mistakes in the first two pages.

My future seems wrong. My internship seems like it's leading me into a cloud of dust. I'll finish it and step out of the door and be bombarded with nothing but confusion and rejection. Something's wrong there....

My article for the class seems boring. It seems monotonous and repetitive. It doesn't have that edge I want. It doesn't have the spiked pages, or tingling sensations that shoot up and down your spine.

I doubt I'm the only one that feels this helplessness in my work. I think students are not confident in what they do. If they get knocked down on their first try, they'll get discouraged. Instead of trying to fix their mistakes, they're just going to take someone else's work that they know is right...because they purchased it off the internet.

I met with my group to go over our article, and instead of sitting down and writing it out, we ended up talking about the future. We talked about how hopeless everything seemed. Most of my group members are only sophomores, but this sense of economic doom is very prevalent for them as well. Because of the intense competition out there for jobs, they feel like they must start their portfolio now. They have to build up perhaps twice the amount of stuff that I have sitting in my desk and on my hard drive. They all looked at me intently and said, "What the hell are you going to do next year?"

And I just said calmly, "I don't know."

Actually, to be perfectly honest, I applied for a job that I really want. The pay is little, but the cause is great. I sort of stumbled upon it while looking for nonprofit jobs. And I don't see a better reason for a job than to write and help people out at the same time. The job was posted a while ago, so I might be too late. But one can hope....one can hope.
At the same time, I must set myself up for rejection. I have to picture myself at other jobs. I have to picture myself waitressing if it boils down to simply making money to get by.

Ultimately though, the greatest happiness in life comes from doing what you love to do.

For the past few weeks, all I could think about was my pessimistic and panicking view on the future. I kept thinking, "I'm never going to get a job, my life is miserable, everything for me will ultimately fail and I'll be the next Pam Beasley."

Then I went to a funeral this weekend to honor my Great Aunt. She wasn't married. She didn't have children. She didn't live a luxurious life. She worked as a secretary for most of it, but she loved doing what she did. And she made the most of every opportunity she had. She was never mean to anyone...and she had a light heart. It made me realize that I was being very selfish in my endeavors. I wanted only to please myself, but a better cause would be to help other people.

So I wrote that in my cover letter. I chose to be different. It might not work. The position might already be filled--and the post was just an old one online. Who knows.

All I can think, though, is that students too must choose to be different. They must take their ideas and run with them--the way that they think is right. The ideologies of this world and country are based on creative people. We cannot shy away in the corners and assume that we'll never make a difference. Don't take someone else's ideas because you're afraid yours aren't creative. Because they are. We can make a difference.

And I will.